Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Me vs. Them

Hey guys! I hope you guys had an awesome Thanksgiving weekend full of Black Friday and Cyber Monday shopping!

I feel like a lot of people have been late lately (har har), you know who you are! Be warned! More tardies will follow by an evil punishment devised by your fellow blog members' evil minds!

Emily, I'm glad you liked the video! (Btw, if you ever get around to reading any of Maggie's books, you must tell me so we can discuss >:D It'll be this blog's version of a book club, maybe?)

The most striking part of your post (to me) was this: I've taken it to the extreme, to the point where I don't know where "this is what I want" ends and "this is what I've been told I want" begins. - I feel like I can really relate to this right now.

Last week I JUST completed all of my college applications. It was the most relieving and stressful day of my life, and now I am left trembling every time I open my email to see if any acceptance letters come rolling along.

The sad thing is, all the colleges I applied for weren't any colleges that I wanted to go to.

It's not to say any of those colleges were bad. The reasons why I didn't want to go to them were because 1) everyone else was applying for those schools 2) these were schools I felt safe about applying to only because my mom approved of them.

So, basically, I chose schools based on the decisions/wants/expectations of other people on me. Part of my fear comes from the fact that my cousins who decided to go out of state... and my relatives gave them a lot of backlash for spending so much money - on an Arts school, no less.

I always dreamed about going to an out of school state, but ultimately I decided to stay in state, save money, and make my parents happier. I tell myself I can always transfer out later, but I don't think I will.

A small part of me says that it can't be helped. I try to convince myself that this is beneficial for everyone, like hey! At least I get to go to college. At least I won't be wasting as much money, so that my family can afford to send off my brother to college. At least I won't be spending hundreds of dollars on plane tickets to see family over the holiday.

But the truth is, yes - I am disappointed that I can't go to my magical dream college... but I don't live for just my dreams. I live for my family, too.

Which is why I think it's so hard to draw the line between "this is what I want" and "this is what I've been told I want." Because it's come to the point where a lot of these things blur, that they become the same thing, that they become so intertwined and connected that it seems like one decision effects everything else.

It's hard to be brave enough to pick something for yourself and yourself only, because we are so used to being scolded as selfish if we were to do so. And even though I am technically and legally an adult now, I don't think I'm quite that grown up or courageous yet. So, instead, I'm waiting until I finally do... because I'm sure I'll be. Someday, one day, some time... I will be.

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